The Pressure to be Perfect
Every musician knows the feeling: Sweaty palms, heart beating out of your chest, and inability to take a full breath. For me, combating performance nerves is something that I have dealt with not only in music, but in multiple facets of my life. I have had anxiety speaking in public, meeting a new person, and starting a new job. The anticipation leading up to a performance or activity is what drove my anxiety. Will they like me? What if I forget how to play? Did I practice enough? Why am I doing this? These questions would fester in my mind and create chaos and an overwhelming feeling of nervousness. Why was I this nervous? I placed so much weight on those thoughts that they consumed me, and I forgot to enjoy what I was actually there to do.
Throughout my musical studies and performing career, I have met musicians who handle performance anxiety in a variety of ways. Some of them swear by propranolol (beta blockers), and some seem to never be nervous! I have always wondered how people can perform without the slightest hint of nervousness.
I have tried it all: Breathing techniques, beta blockers, and running up and down the stairs followed immediately by a run-through of my recital music. I will say that each method has its place and serves a purpose. However, I wanted a more holistic approach and alternatives that could carry over to other parts of my life.
I went to my first yoga class in 2015 and was instantly hooked. Yoga was something new and made me focus on how my body was moving which helped me get out of my head. After class, I would feel calm and relaxed, and after several regular sessions, I started to notice physical changes in my body. I fell in love with yoga. Teachers would say things during class that made me reflect on my life and because of this, I started having more of a relationship with myself. I quickly learned that self-care is important. You must take care of yourself so you can be fully present in your relationships and all aspects of your life.
You know that feeling when you take an extended break from practicing (or making reeds if you are an oboe player)? It always feels terrible when I pick the instrument back up but after an hour or so of practicing it starts to feel good again. Music is a practice where you have to show up, and you get out what you put in. Music takes work and dedication. Similarly, yoga is a practice. Yoga is a journey of self-discovery that requires nurturing and regularity. Your practice will be waiting for you when you take a break, and it will be there if all you can do is show up and lay in savasana or sit on a block and try to breathe. Yoga is healing. Yoga is what I need in my life to help me through my day-to-day struggles, my relationship with myself and others, and in my performances.
Yoga has been the best medicine for me and these days, I want to share how yoga has helped me with the world. Musicians constantly face stresses that stem from the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect. The audition circuit is grueling, and we constantly must build ourselves back up and prove we are worthy, we are enough, and we have a lot to offer. If you are reading this and you are currently on that journey, keep going and keep putting the work in. I can tell you that you have a lot to offer and you can do this!
For so many years, I would get anxious at each tuning note I had to give. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect that I would forget how to breathe and overthink playing that one note! I thought my peers were judging me and I put my mind in a world where I was in a constant audition even though I had already won my job. It was my own negative self-talk and disbelief that was making me spiral. Yoga has helped me stay grounded and I have learned to let go of the feelings of judgement I was putting on myself. I realized that I, Kelly Longmire, am more than that tuning note!
What did I do that helped me calm down? How is it that I can now show up to performances and not feel as anxious? Aside from being prepared musically, I made myself a priority and worked on myself. I show up to my yoga practice 5-6 times a week and put the work in, and I try my best to take what I learn on the mat and incorporate it into my everyday life. I try not to get frustrated at the car in front of me if they cut me off. Perhaps they had an emergency they were trying to get to. If the cashier at the grocery store is taking a long time to scan my items, I try to have patience. Yoga is a lifestyle, a journey of learning to love myself and apply that love and compassion to each aspect of my day-to-day life. I encourage each of you reading this to take a moment for you. Maybe that is just trying to sit still and focus on the breath for five minutes before your tuning note, or maybe it is taking your first yoga class and trying something new. It is time to do something for you, because you are worth it!